A familiar sense of guilt slowly sets in. I wring my hands & quickly dart my eyes around at those with silhouettes blurred from busyness. My thinking automatically jump-starts:
"You don't need to be sitting. What about this? "
"How else can you be helpful? What more can you do? "
I welcomed these admonitions as encouragement, discipline, & admonition. I saw it as a shove to call me higher.
Until the voice became meaner.
"You aren't doing enough. Why are you so lazy?"
"You aren't being consistent enough, so how can you expect to be effective?"
"It's all about excellence. Don't be naive."
So I trudged on, smiling through my labor, meanwhile feeling especially important. I just knew that God was proud of me.
In some dark, dusty corner of my heart, I made a decision that God wasn't as interested in my seasons of silence as he was in instances where I created Sermon the Mount moments in His name. Stillness does not move the heart of God….
…it can't, right?
What good am I to my Lord when I am still? What use of my life can he receive glory through me being utterly motionless?
In retrospect, it wasn't that my doctrine wasn't broad, tolerant, or open-minded enough. It had little to do with my church attendance, community involvement, or any other religious ritual/principle that I'd followed my whole life.
Overcommitment was stifling my availability to God. I'd equated labor with love. Activity with anointing.
And I can't help but think of two women that were close to Jesus' heart: Mary & Martha. And Jesus' admonition to Martha rings in my heart:
But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42)
Worship is the key. Whether in service or in silence. Being completely captivated by God & allowing Him to guide me through one season to the next.