If I can recall my list of the top 5 Great Pains in my life, one of them would definitely be feelings of abandonment. Comfortably nestled on top of this experience is a strong, unhealthy desire to be a caretaker. All the while desiring for reciprocity and care that I either 1) wanted, but didn’t accept or 2) wanted, but didn’t receive.
Everyone thought that since I took care of everyone, or that I am gifted in encouragement & mercy that I didn’t need help like most people. I can put on a great front…
Recently, God wrestled me down to the floor. Not to drive me to repent of sinful behavior, or to accept a great calling, but to (once and for all) accept the Lovingkindness that He’s been aching to give me. It was breaking His heart to watch me running from private prayer to public service…only as a means to give but never receive.
I admit, I used the Presence of God by holding it temporarily until I could transfer EVERYTHING onto others in need. Nothing was on reserve for me, God’s Presence was no longer also for me and my woes, worries, pains, or purposes.
Even though this crossroads felt familiar, I recognized the area where I shoo God away the most: in my relationships with others.
This past week, God has used so many people to express His Love directly to me. I’ve been sought out, prayed for/over, and helped by others. It has shaken me to my core. This is way deeper than getting favors met or being the recipient of random acts of kindness.
God has shown up explicitly through people. And these aren’t new people. Or strangers.
But those who have been here for years. People that I assumed were in relationship with me for their own benefit and growth. Not because they’re selfish or I’m prideful. But because, simultaneously, I’ve been terrified to need to be served & uplifted by those I serve and uplift. For fear of abandonment.
God exposed me…in a way that I cannot hide or front. And I’m completely humbled and amazed at how He is using others to bless me.