What am I going to look like when this is over?
This is the question currently burning inside of me. God forbid I look, act, and believe the same way as I did before. Otherwise, what’s the point of all this? Why did it matter? What was the pain, feelings of helplessness, sacrifice, and testing for?
Was God bored? Had my name been randomly drawn from a large glass bowl filled with small slips of paper? Was it was just my turn to suffer?
[…lots of people believe this, don’t they?]
I can honestly say that I will be angry. Completely pissed off if there is no purpose in what I am going through. If there isn’t anything to pick up among the ash and rubble, for me to use as both token and catalyst for change in my life. God knows that I’m sick of retelling my horror stories as if they were my glory days. I want to actually be better when this is all over.
Because it will be over soon. I saw the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and the light was quite bright and got larger by the minute. Time seems to speeding up. Once I felt trapped in an endless cycle of uncertainty and foggy circumstances; enveloping me like a tornado. But now, I’ve been able to sit and rest in my surroundings, taking inventory of where I’ve landed after such a great storm – the sky is starting to clear, the fog beginning to part away. Not much looks familiar, so there must be an adjoining purpose in being relocated to a place in life I’ve never been before.
God, I hope so…
I have faith that He knew the path, from beginning to end. He predestined the journey, and therefore knows the bottom line for this season. He has already picked out the perfect caption to go underneath the picture; he knows how to describe what others will see when they look at this snapshot of my life…and when they look at me…
I know I will need to relate this description to others when they ask. Because they will.
Those who life live with me will seek an explanation…rather, my interpretation of current events. So I pray I’ll have an answer.
This has been too great…too massive of a happening for me to be struck dumb.
I need to tell the story, plainly but with assurance of its meaning.
May I find it and know it truly for myself. May I keep it close, but display it high as a declaration.
…almost like an introduction.