Sleep Deprevivation

This post is about letting go. 

Releasing a tight grip from the wall of certainty where I clung in order to feel sure about my place and role in life.

It is about feeling emotions, and being okay with every second they take up residence in your heart. Letting it be okay that there is little logic found in their range, depth, severity, and speed that you experience each emotion, even as they fluidly stream from one into another.This post is even about not having nearly enough sleep needed to support the elation and joy I should have at the moment.

My mind is without a concrete form, but only because my daughter — yes this little, 7 lb angel — has taken it to mold it into what she needs. And strangely enough, that mind has become so instinctual. Basic. Almost primitive.

And this mind I am left with, who used to have quite intelligent conversations with my heart — on topics like priorities, passions, and what I am to pursue — speaks in sentences with no more than half a dozen words each. Sometimes, their dialogue is in the form of grunts and groans. Tears and laughter. And they understand each other. Perhaps better than they ever have.

Remove sleep and add a tiny person, and you are left with a profound amount of clarity found in child-like terms. I can see falsehood in my own heart (and sometimes in others closest to me) vividly. Many personal principles that I once held high and with such dignity, I’ve surrendered to a dusty alter before God. I’ve never had to give and give up so much of myself for anyone else before her. And I’ve never been so glad that she requires nothing less.

I am so tired…

…and yet, so awake.



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