So, our little Naomi is coming up on 3 months.
…sheesh…can I just pause and say that happened really quickly?
She’s been doing a really terrifying thing lately:
While I breastfeed her, she will pause and stare at me.
(That’s some hilarious imagery for you, huh?)
No, I am quite serious.
And her stare isn’t, in itself, frightening. Meaning those big ol’ beautiful brown eyes aren’t creepy or eerie. They are very, very intentional. Observant. And almost…”knowing”.
As if whatever secret or shame I am hiding or fronting for at the time, she has already found it. She knows it. This little person stops for a few moments (which feels a lot longer), takes a big, long look at me, & break wide my whole world.
I’m afraid because I remember that soon she won’t be just an ornament on my hip. A super cute, 10 lb. ball of soft flesh wearing a diaper that I can show off on Facebook. Sure, I will blink and she will be an independent, capable young adult who lives her own life and makes her own (hopefully wise) decisions. But, there exists a sliver of time in the near future where she will be at her most impressionable. And not only will she see me, but she will mimic me.
The scariest part?
I can’t control which parts, which moments of mine, she will mimic. “Do as I say, not as I do” has to be the biggest paradox that exists for a parent. And I don’t want too see those big, brown eyes filled with confusion when I chastise her for repeating something that she’s seen her mother do often.
I will naturally try and hide from glances that have a knack for seeing too much of me, too quickly. But I don’t ever want to hide from her.
So, after a few moments of Naomi’s glancing up from feeding….
…most of the time, she will giggle or smile at my nervous expression, as if to say,
“Chill, mama. I love you anyway.”